Wednesday, October 18, 2006

An Insight of myself

I realised that I've not written about myself anywhere in this blog. Well, not that anyone cares anyway. Just want some space and time to get to know myself better, to fully gauge who i am and what i have become of in writing. Typing as the case may be.

I am a young adult who just got her bachelor's degree and currently working what i studied for in the company who paid for my whole 3 years in uni. I am a scholar of this company and no matter what happens I cannot change the fact that I'm stuck here for at least 4 years. Like it or not, happy or not, I have to serve the company. I dont bite the hands that feed me. So i'll stay where i am for as long as i am required to.

Anyway, i think i have a mixed personality, somewhere between a gal and a boy. Gal side, Im sensitive and touchy, easily feel down with a slightest hint of rejection. I absolutely cannot take rejection and putting me down would be as good as crucifying me on the cross or whatever not.
My guy side is obvious- I will not hesitate or give a second thought on climbing whatever kerb/wing wall that is obstructing my way. And i can joke and laugh (with action) like any funny guy without thinking much about decency and how a gal should behave, which is just laugh softly, or chuckle. **eyes roll up**

I love food-both eating and cooking. This is one thing that I will not give up for, not even for a great hour-glass body or a hot boyfriend. No, food is important, and I'll eat what I want. But I'll control my intake lah. I enjoy eating a variety of food- chinese, indian, malay, western, etc etc...I'll whack anything. Cooking wise, I'm still learning and discovering new cooking methods. Some may not have any confidence in my cooking because I look like a spoilt kid whose only reason to be in the kitchen is to rummage through the fridge to look for edibles, not preparing one. Some even think that I'm not domestified enough to be preparing a decent meal (maggie mee is NOT decent). Sigh.

Music. I wouldnt say that I'm musically talented. Neither am i musically challenged. I can play the guitar, though not so well, but still boleh lah. For me at least, not for anyone else. Singing is totally out- I cant sing to save my life! Someone even quoted that I can twist a song into a totally alien song. How talented...Dancing is also not my cup of tea. Man, I am a kayu. And i'd always say that if i flex my leg, it may just stay that way until the doctor does smthg to it...

Oh, one more thing about me. I am absolutely helpless in memorising things. Facts, methods, etc..whatever. This shortcoming had certainly worked well against my interests. Just name it, exams, verbal instructions, etc etc...

If my memory couldn't save me from disaster, at least my technical skills can. I pride myself in the ability of my grey matter to think of solutions, figure out methods and to understand the physics, mechanics and dynamics of whatever the problem is. Perhaps this is because I think in pictures, not words.

TV and entertainment. Im weird for a 23 year old. I dont listern to Hitz dot FM **eyes roll up again with s sigh**. In fact i find them irritating and their jokes, insulting. If anyone were to make such lame jokes on me, I'd give them 5 tight slaps on each cheek and ask them to go get a life or smthg. Such a wannabe. Anyway I love Mix FM. Good music and good DJs. I particularly enjoy listening to the breakfast show with Richard, Shaz and Ika. Love them, absolutely. As for tv, I dont like watching MTVs. But I'm not against it. It's alright if there's nothing better to watch and when i need light entertainment. What I like then? Hmm..i like documentaries on engineering and culture. History too. Not so much on animals unless it is really interesting. Soaps are fine for viewing too. Yeah, i enjoy Hongkie soap and American comedies. But not too much of the former. 2 hours/day is MAX. Abosulutely against Taiwanese/Korean/Japanese soaps/movies/music.

Spaking about asian, I dont claim to be very asian. Neither am I western. I dont live in denial. I am Chinese, and more specifically, Hokkien. But I dont speak any of those dialects. But I can understand a little. I dont quite agree with the term 'banana' to describe people like me. Well, a 'banana' is somebody who is 'yellow outside, white inside'. Yes, I dont speak Chinese dialects but I'm not "white" inside. I eat rice, i eat noodles, I drink chinese soups, I use chopsticks, i look forward for Chinese New Year, and i have a chinese name. If you still not conviced, this should work for you: I do not adopt any western culture, i dont like hip hop and i dont sleep around. So instead of calling me a banana, I'd rather be known as a Malaysian instead...

Did i mention anything about my appearance? To begin with i should start with how i relate to my parents, looks wise. Many said that i look like my mum but a few pointed out that i look like my dad from the side. My face is...quite ok lah, average looking. I have small sepet eyes. So small that some of my friends back in primary school thought I couldnt see anything when I smile. The best compliment i ever got for my face was that i look like Lucy Liu/Renee Zelweger/Gong Li (Gong Li???). Makes me happy lah. But i think I am a fishball version of them coz I seem to put on fats on my face. Body-wise, I'm lanky. No hour glass but I dont mind lah. I dont believe in starving oneself just to look shapey.

Yes, my faith. I am a Christian. Walking with God for the past few years had taught me so much about myself. The journey is unpredictable and full of surprises. One moment, I will be up and the next I will find myself being battered emotionally that I thought I should just excommunite myself from others. Times when I broke down when good things just didnt happen to me but was happening to someone else who are not even bortherd about God. Times when God seems to have left me to fend for myself in a deserted desert, wondering about for food and water, seeing mirage of oasis but nothing was there in reality. Times like these often make me wonder why God seems so cruel to me. I even came to the point of believing that God just want to let me suffer and I will never get good things anyway. But after so much of struggle and thought, i'd always come to one conclusion- that I cannot live without Him. Not that I am weak, but I wouldnt want to place my bet on someone or smthg else other than Jesus. Another reason is, I cannot and can never find another One like Him. None. I shall write more about this in another post. If I were to write here, probably I'll eat up most of the space in my blog.

So that's all for now i guess. Will think of more as I discover myself. It's a process.

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